Monday, March 9, 2015

Mini Me 1

I am mostly happy with my life right now. But I know that I've made a lot of mistakes. If I can prevent someone from making those mistakes, I want to. My darling friend M is very much like me, just slightly younger. Over the weekend, we have discovered that we are extremely alike. This is a beautiful thing, yet it worries me. Now, I want to protect her. I want her to steer clear of any future problems. I also want her to take chances though. Right now, she likes a boy, but in fear of rejection, she wants to give up. While I would love to protect her from a possible hurt, I don't want her to miss out on something amazing. I told her six hundred times this weekend alone that she isn't allowed to give up on this just yet. She needs to give it time. I told her if nothing happens within the week then I will help her get over this boy and maybe find someone else. Already they texted back and forth, proving that she needed to give it time. It still could not work out, but she needs to try.

We are very similar. We have similar ideals, similar thoughts, similar fears. I hope for her that she can learn from me, from my mistakes and my successes. I care for her as a friend deeply and I hope I can help her with anything I can. I want to protect, but I want to make sure she doesn't miss out on anything. I hope things work out for her better than they did for me. I'm going to protect her. She is my friend, my very good friend. I hope things work for her. I hope she's happy. I'm going to do whatever I can to make sure she is.

I'll give an update, hopefully a good one, when I can.

~ Stuck

Friday, March 6, 2015

Hands fit like Lock and Key

Twice have I held hands with someone where I felt like our hands fit together perfectly. It could very well be just me somewhat believing in the cliche that people who actually belong together, or could work well together, have hands that fit in each other's well, very well. Sadly, both were times with people that, I guess, they shouldn't have been with.
First was with L, someone who I care greatly for (however in which way I am not completely sure of). As good friends and intellectuals, we went to go see a movie together. We were just kind ended up holding hands for a while. It was nice. Sadly, it couldn't mean anything. We would be great together, if we gave it another shot. Maybe we will one day. Until then, I can be glad we are such great friends and that I can always count on him. I hope he knows he can always count on me too. I think we'd be great, but according to the last time we won't be. I'd love to try again, one day. Our hands fit too well for me not to long for him ever so often. Even if we were to just stay friends, I hope we do for a long time.

The next time was with S. Sitting between him and my friend, B, on a ride in Walt Disney World's Animal Kingdom, we braced ourselves for the rockiest part. Now, we really fit well together, not just our hands. We have similar interests and such. I was reassured of this on that ride. We fit better than J, JP, K, and even L I think. Now, I had liked S the year before, but, crushed from the lack of reciprocated feelings, I gave up. However, our schedules led us to become quite close this year, bringing back up those suppressed feelings that I thought I had abandoned. (Excuse my changed vernacular {is that the right word to use}- I'm currently reading Withering Heights, which causes my language to change and improve some.) Well, our fingers perfectly interlocked. I felt like it was right. I hope to remain close to him for a long time. Maybe give it a shot or maybe not. I know we'd be pretty good together, if we were to ever try. Even if we don't, I hope I stay close with S.

Both of these times, I did not put my hand out or have to take the hand of the other. My hand was taken. While this may be irrelevant, it was important to me. Whenever JP would want to hold my hand he would put his out for me to take. I never really fit well with J. Our hands never fit. Our fingers would entangle strangely and our palms would never touch. it was uncomfortable.

L and S made me feel comfortable. They make me feel safe in some strange way. I had open up to them. I fit well with L and I fit well with S. L and I can be intellectual or stupid with him. I can just be myself. I don't feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I feel the same way with S. Only, with him, there is more feelings.

I may end up in college with one or even both of them. I hate that there is a small part of me that wants to go to the college because one of them, or both of them, will be there. (There are MANY other reasons too- I'm not following them to college just because of them.) I don't know what's next. I do know that we fit really well together, L and me and S and me. No matter what happens, I hope we stay at least friends for a very long time.

We fit like lock and key. My hand fits. Our personalities fit. We fit. I love them both, in different ways. I'm just glad to know that I can always count on them, I always have someone to fall back on, fall into, and fit well with.

~Stuck differently

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Wall of Separation

In AP Government today, we talked about the "Separation of Church and State" in the Bill of Rights and the US Government. On one of my teacher's slides, he wrote "When it comes to the 'walls of separation'...". That got me thinking. I have a wall of separation. Actually, I have a bunch of walls of separation. In fact, I have quite a few walls, layers, that separate me from the world, my 100% true self from being exposed to my complete environment. Then again, though, everyone has. At least one wall, I think. At least most people, I think.
At the very least, clothing is a wall of separation. My clothes hide a lot. My clothes also say a lot about me that connect me to the world. However, my clothes are mostly a wall of separation. I praise the idea of clothes everyday, because my clothes have saved me many, many times. Perhaps, though, that is a story for another day.
There are bigger walls than just what I wear that separate me from the rest of the world. Walls that are more like picket fences and walls that are impossible to climb. Climbing all of my walls of separation can take forever. I, by now, should be able to maneuver myself around and over all of them, but, alas, I can't. I need a map that I don't have and some grappling hooks that don't exist.
The funny, or stupid (depending on how you look at it), thing is, there are those that I just kind of let in. Technically, there are 3 and half people that have been let in completely. (I say "and a half" because now that I look back on my relationship with JP, I didn't let him in as completely as I thought, which was, thankfully, a very good thing.) I have no idea why I let these specific people in, but I did and continue to do so (minus the half). On my one freewill, I let these people in without them having to do basically any work. I don't know why these people had such an effect on me, but they all did, all do. However, today I am not talking about those who have gone past my walls. I am talking about my walls of separation themselves. D, L, S, JP: you will probably be talked about on another occasion, not this one. LA and T come close, but haven't been let in. I feel like before I go beyond this part of this topic, they need to at least be brought up.
For a few weeks now, I have been crying. Only on the inside. I look fine. I see fine. Yet, I am not fine. You would never know by looking at me though.
I have so much to say, yet I'll never say any of it. My thoughts on my current situation, and the situations around me, will not be said. Inserted, they will sit in my head. My thoughts will fester and weigh me down. They always do. I've gotten somewhat good at carrying around said baggage. I still want a break. I still need a break. I need to see and try something new. Leave everything at the door and go explore somewhere beyond my home, my comfort zone. I want to climb over all my walls, my picket fences and mountain-high barricades. I just want to get out for a little while. Get out of my skin and stop being separate for a while. Embrace the world around me. Find something to submerge myself into that I haven't discovered yet.
I built my walls of separation, but that doesn't mean I'm completely proud of them or find them necessary. I don't always need or even want them. I just can't get rid of them. For so many reasons, these walls will continue to be present. I don't know where to begin.
In a few months, I'll be starting a new journey. Maybe this is good and maybe it isn't. Maybe I will be making the right choices and maybe I won't be. I'm not sure that, when I start, I will be able to leave my walls, even just some of them, behind. I built my walls, and they have surrounded me and protected me. Also, however, U have grown around them. They are a part of me, of who I am. I'm not sure I can give my walls of separation up. My walls of separation separate me from the world, but also separate the different parts of me- form myself and from my surroundings. My walls separate my parts that the world can see and the parts that I keep to myself. My outermost layer has no walls, but it is so far away from the "most susceptible to pain" part of me that I'm okay that is isn't protected. A few bangs and bruises will not ruin me. As long as I'm protected, I'll be fine.I'm not sure if I'm proud of my walls, or if I even need them. I am often happy, however, that they are there.

~ Not as Stuck

I'm back. And I'll actually be writing a blog this time.

Thank you, L, for suggesting this to me, inadvertently and then blatantly. My first post, I guess, is going to be about why I'm starting to blog again, for real this time.
I've been stuck for too long. I love to write, but lately, I have had no inspiration and no motivation (that produces any real result). I've been upset and angry a lot lately, and I have no release. I'm stuck. I am filled to the brim with unexplored or ignored emotions. I don't want to be.
So, I've decided that I won't be. Thank you L. I'm going to write a blog, one that I will keep up with this time. This blog is for me, to pour myself into. I will be telling my life story, in a way, starting now. No prequel, no disclaimer. My story, on here, starts now. (Welcome.)
Here I go.
(Thank you again L. I will forever be grateful for this.)

~ Stuck